George Carlin Quotes
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
George Carlin
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Always do whatever's next.
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he does not want you to do. And if you do ANY of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Life is a zero sum game.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
Religion is just mind control.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
