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George Carlin Quotes

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin
Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? <
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
George Carlin
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he does not want you to do. And if you do ANY of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Life is a zero sum game.
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
George Carlin
George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin
Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.
George Carlin
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
George Carlin Biography

Born: May 12, 1937
Died: June 22, 2008

George Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, actor and writer. He was mainly known for his aggresive comedy and thoughts and criticism on various taboo subjects.

Notable Works
Brain Droppings (1997)
Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)
When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)
Last Words (2009)
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