Funny Quotes

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He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.
George H. W. Bush
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
Oscar Wilde
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams
The whole principle [of censorship] is wrong. It's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't have steak.
Robert A. Heinlein
The surest way to ruin a man who doesn't know how to handle money is to give him some. 
George Bernard Shaw
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.
Edgar W. Howe
It is the kind of thing that happens to you when you are stupid... Things go entirely differently from the way you planned them.
Agatha Christie
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
Nature abhors a vacuum but why do most people hasten to fill in the blanks with garbage?
Vanna Bonta
An intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
Al Bundy
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
George Burns
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
George Bernard Shaw
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Warren Buffett
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Lily Tomlin
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
Woody Allen
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
George Orwell
The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time - and then shut up.
Robert A. Heinlein
Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.
Sigmund Freud
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
David Brent
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