I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
The family seems to have two predominant functions, to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
Donald G. Smith
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke
Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?
Beat your wife on the wedding day, and your married life will be happy.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I Phoned my dad to tell him i had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.
Old age realizes the dreams of youth: look at Dean Swift; in his youth he built an asylum for the insane, in his old age he was himself an inmate.
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Adopted kids are such a pain, you have to teach them how to look like you.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why most people seem bright until you hear them speak.
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.