Funny Quotes

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I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom
The family seems to have two predominant functions, to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
Donald G. Smith
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W.C. Fields
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
Leo J. Burke
The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke
Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
Beat your wife on the wedding day, and your married life will be happy.
Japanese Proverb
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I Phoned my dad to tell him i had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
Steven Pearl
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Douglas Adams
I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.
Kurt Cobain
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Groucho Marx
Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.
Bertrand Russell
Old age realizes the dreams of youth: look at Dean Swift; in his youth he built an asylum for the insane, in his old age he was himself an inmate.
Soren Kierkegaard
Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.
Jim Morrison
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken Dodd
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen
We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.
Benjamin Franklin
He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
Torvald Gahlin
Adopted kids are such a pain, you have to teach them how to look like you.
Gilda Radner
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Light travels faster than sound.  That's why most people seem bright until you hear them speak.
Unknown Author
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
There is no gravity.  The earth sucks.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
Benjamin Franklin
A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. 
Irish Proverb
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
Groucho Marx
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx
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