By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Religion is just mind control.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

Always do whatever's next.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he does not want you to do. And if you do ANY of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Life is a zero sum game.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.