Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with.