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Number of quotes found: 51

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Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
1

— Oscar Wilde

Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.
1

— James Graham

There is no gravity. The earth sucks.
0

— Graffito

The family seems to have two predominant functions, to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.
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— Donald G. Smith

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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— W.C. Fields

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.
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— Leo J. Burke

The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
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— Arthur C. Clarke

Beat your wife on the wedding day, and your married life will be happy.
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— Japanese Proverb

I Phoned my dad to tell him i had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
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— Steven Pearl

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
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— George Bernard Shaw

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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— Mark Twain

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
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— Ken Dodd

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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— Woody Allen

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.
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— Torvald Gahlin

Adopted kids are such a pain, you have to teach them how to look like you.
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— Gilda Radner

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
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— David Brent

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.
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— Irish Proverb

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
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— Redd Foxx

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
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— Mark Twain

Acquiring a dog may be the only oppurtunity a human ever has to choose a relative.
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— Mordecai Wyatt Johnson

Use your ears to listen, use your eyes to see, but use your mouth to shut up.
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— Romanian Proverb

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
0

— Douglas Adams

Source: The Restaurant at the End of the Universe - 1980

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
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— Douglas Adams

Source: The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide - 2002

The worst thing that can happen to a man who gambles is to win.
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— Charles Spurgeon

Source: Autobiography of Charles Spurgeon - 1899

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.
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— Charles Lamb

Source: Letter to Mr. Coleridge - 1797

A rabbit’s foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit.
0

— Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams of a Cynic

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
0

— Unknown Author

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
0

— Mark Twain

The brain is a wonderful organ. It stats working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
0

— Robert Frost

First thing i killed was no kind of thing at all. It was an enemy soldier. Which is a hell of a lot easier to say, than the first thing i ever killed was a man.
0

— Steve Mason

Recommended Authors

Mark Twain

Douglas Adams

Oscar Wilde

James Graham

Graffito

Donald G. Smith