Funny Quotes
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It stats working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
First thing i killed was no kind of thing at all. It was an enemy soldier. Which is a hell of a lot easier to say, than the first thing i ever killed was a man.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
The sum of inteligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Nothing is so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day, than to say bright things from time to time.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
