Funny Quotes

Charlie Chaplin Quote: In the end, everything is a gag.
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An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
The brain is a wonderful organ. It stats working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Robert Frost
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin
First thing i killed was no kind of thing at all. It was an enemy soldier. Which is a hell of a lot easier to say, than the first thing i ever killed was a man.
Steve Mason
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The sum of inteligence on the planet is constant; the population is growing.
Unknown Author
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Mark Twain
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Oscar Wilde
Nothing is so silly as the expression of a man who is being complimented.
Andre Gide
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Louis Hector Beriloz
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
P. G. Wodehouse
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Unknown Author

It is easier to be a lover than a husband, for the same reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day, than to say bright things from time to time.
Honoré de Balzac
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Will Rogers
If you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.
Kurt Cobain
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Jack Handey
Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
Robert A. Heinlein
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
George Carlin
Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep. In a giant blender.
Homer Simpson
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Unknown Author
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