Funny Quotes

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I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Norman Wisdom

The family seems to have two predominant functions, to provide warmth and love in time of need and to drive each other insane.

Donald G. Smith

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Leo J. Burke

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Arthur C. Clarke

Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us, we're said to be schizophrenic?

Lily Tomlin

Beat your wife on the wedding day, and your married life will be happy.

Japanese Proverb

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

I Phoned my dad to tell him i had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

Steven Pearl

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

Douglas Adams

I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay even though I wasn't.

Kurt Cobain

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

Marriage is for women the commonest mode of livelihood, and the total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.

Bertrand Russell

Old age realizes the dreams of youth: look at Dean Swift; in his youth he built an asylum for the insane, in his old age he was himself an inmate.

Soren Kierkegaard

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.

Jim Morrison

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Mark Twain

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Ken Dodd

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.

Benjamin Franklin

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.

Torvald Gahlin

Adopted kids are such a pain, you have to teach them how to look like you.

Gilda Radner

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.

Albert Einstein

Light travels faster than sound.  That's why most people seem bright until you hear them speak.

Unknown Author

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

There is no gravity.  The earth sucks.

Graffito

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Benjamin Franklin

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas. 

Irish Proverb

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx

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