Funny Quotes
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them.
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The whole principle [of censorship] is wrong. It's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't have steak.
The surest way to ruin a man who doesn't know how to handle money is to give him some.
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.
It is the kind of thing that happens to you when you are stupid... Things go entirely differently from the way you planned them.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
Nature abhors a vacuum but why do most people hasten to fill in the blanks with garbage?
An intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
The key is not to think of death as an end. But think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
The slickest way in the world to lie is to tell the right amount of truth at the right time - and then shut up.
Civilization began the first time an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
